There’s a certain weight that builds over time. It’s not just grief, not just loneliness, not just the exhaustion of trying to build something alone. It’s the accumulation of everything—the betrayals, the shifting dynamics, the blurred lines in relationships that make you second-guess where you stand. Every time I adjust to the weight, something else gets added. And at some point, it becomes unbearable.
But if I had to boil it down, I’d say this: I need consistency, clarity, and directness in people. I need to know where I stand. What breaks me isn’t just the burdens I carry—it’s the uncertainty people bring into my life. It’s the mixed signals, the words that don’t match actions, the people who one day seem genuine and the next feel like strangers. It’s the exhaustion of navigating dishonesty, hidden agendas, and emotional instability.
I don’t want to die—I just want the weight to stop crushing me. And clarity would make that weight so much lighter.
The Reality of Human Nature
But is this even realistic? Can I actually expect people to be consistent, clear, and honest? Or is my expectation at odds with human nature itself?
The hard truth is that most people aren’t wired this way. They change, they contradict themselves, they make promises they don’t keep—not always out of malice, but often because they don’t fully understand themselves. They get caught up in their emotions, their own needs, their own insecurities. Some people are deliberately dishonest, but many are just unaware of how their inconsistency affects others.
So no, I can’t expect everyone to be clear, direct, and reliable. That would set me up for constant disappointment. But that doesn’t mean my standard is wrong—it just means I have to be selective.
The Solution: Choosing the Right People
Instead of hoping for clarity from people who aren’t built that way, I need to filter better. I need to recognize inconsistency early and remove those people from my inner circle before they become another weight I have to carry.
Some people can offer what I need. There are those who value directness, who mean what they say, who aren’t constantly shifting based on mood or social pressure. These people are rare, but they exist. And those are the people worth investing in.
This isn’t about lowering my standards—it’s about being intentional with who I trust. Because when I find people who bring clarity instead of confusion, who offer stability instead of uncertainty, the weight I carry won’t feel as heavy. And maybe, just maybe, that will be enough to keep me standing.
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